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Nothing distinguishes memories from ordinary moments...

Only later do they become memorable by the scars they leave.

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A house is not a home
Farnese hercules
fingertrouble
Depressed.

John moved back in to the flat full time start of December.

It seems the more I try and accommodate and compromise my partner in (t)his flat, the more whatever I do is 'wrong'. So, sitting in the dark, without heating not wanting to disturb him. Then apparently I'm now crunching too loud? Odd since all I had was two sweets and some peanuts but apparently that's too loud, and typing and flashing lights of the servers are too much, even though they are not that noisy, Norman (the disabled man that regular has paramedic drama and leaves his TV on til 2am at top volume and drops what seem like bowls onto the floor) upstairs is noisier...but hey I have to jump when he says jump. You can't say no to him.

Last time I did and got angry cos he shut off the lights while I was eating and I wanted to not be disturbed and immediately do what he wants (as in: drop the plate and switch off the dehumidifier RIGHT THEN), he got angry using that tone, so I said 'Fuck you', he said 'Do you want me to hate you?'. Ironic since he was the one telling me to find a new boyfriend and that he was 'stuck with me for 40 years' 2 weeks before moving in back in October. Yeah, he picked his time - when I couldn't back out. Is it me or is that bullying behaviour? I don't think he even thought to the fact that I might be starting to hate him because of what he's been doing and saying. I'm too reliant on him, I suppose his thinking is. I have to take this. I have no choice.

I'm not ungrateful - he has been giving me money which I spend on food and the house which is a lifeline - and can't seem to be since that would be dangerous - but to be basically his cleaner, DIY person, PA and cook and then have to tread lightly on eggshells...it's hard not to go down that path, or at least be frustrated with his tantrums and eccentricities.

I still love him, but the past few months he's made it VERY hard, asking me why am I doing that (sample: why are you washing your clothes? Err, cos employers don't employ people who wear stained clothes? Oh. Imagine this every time I do anything to the flat or myself...). - you can go run in the woods with the fairies! Eat nice things! Go for walks! Life isn't like that, not for me anyway. He has the money. I don't.

It's like being with an adult toddler.

So I shut down the servers, even though NAS drives hate that. He can't stand the dehumidifier being on (even when it should be on cos the place is steaming, basement flat, the extractor fan is broken - he hated that noise too), or any noise at all. Feel like I'm walking on eggshells in 'my' own home. It's not mine though, if it was he'd not be such a cunt about it. It's only temporarily mine when he's not here. Started to feel that sinking feeling when he gets back, like when your parents got back as a kid? That's not good.

Before it was 'the light is too bright in the bed' for his tablet or my phone, so I moved out away from the bed with a table and chair to not disturb him. There wasn't space anywhere else - now there is space, space I cleared singlehandedly because he's too busy 'working' (i.e. going on long walks and abnegating nearly all responsibility) - it's like getting blood out of a stone - only cos friends bought a fridge and helped me get his birth certificate did we apply for the relief for winter fuel he was eligible for (he couldn't be bothered to do it).

Only cos I argued with the phone company and got them in 3 times to fix, and got free broadband as a result am I able to write this. I've saved him money there and hopefully with the gas bill - he couldn't be bothered to read the meter and send them the correct figure so has been overpaying for years - ditto paying for a phone line that didn't work for 12 years. The flat was basically empty for 5 years, so my dehumidifier is keeping it dry otherwise all the electrics and phone go wonky...no thanks for that. No thanks for any of it, really.

He's grumpy cos of his cold he's had since December but oh no, won't go to a doctor, won't take anything except some cough mixture for it.

So now freezing in the unheated toilet until my battery runs out. *sigh*. Scared he's going to throw me out, but don't really know how to start this conversation because it's either anger from him that I can't go to sleep exactly when he does or do it how he does it, or always 'you should walk more' (helpful when I have to fix servers and apply for jobs) or 'it's all your fault' - true, but thanks for the support. Not.

He made a big thing about it being my flat also - it was his invite to come here btw. Doesn't feel like it, at all. I feel...trapped? Uncomfortable in my own home, which isn't a home. I don't have a job - many rejections - and feel utterly worthless. And this isn't helping. I feel scared of him, and I shouldn't be scared...but I have nowhere else.

He's a bully basically - I have a lot to be thankful for from him, but there's no compromise here, no middle space. No, 'Can I come into the kitchen/bathroom/do this?' when I'm cleaning or cooking, he just does it then stands there, munching food (small kitchenette so there isn't really space to do that). It's his way or the highway, it's either DIY - inc basically going over his head sometimes, although I consult him where I can sometimes an executive decision is needed - or it doesn't get done or it gets 'hoarded'.

Happy families huh? :-(

He's leaving to go back to his mobile home most of the time in March...I hope the relationship survives before then, nor he doesn't throw me out literally onto the street. I've been trying to make the place feel good for him, and not make him feel like I'm in the way, but it's not worked out like that - really the only way I could've done that is to be a corpse, really. And even then he'd probably grizzle about the flies!

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Ugh. That sounds absolutely horrid. He's helping you but you're supposed to be grateful for living in what sounds like a hovel? And be silent, subservient and obsequious in all things? It doesn't much sound like he wants an equal partner, but a servant. I'm glad you've gotten some things sorted out like utilities but I can't really understand why he can't be bothered, or essentially live in cold and darkness.  I know you love him but it doesn't seem like a loving relationship.  If you did go, do you have anywhere? I hope things improve for you soon.  😕


Sadly I have nowhere else to go...currently cleaning and fitting out the bathroom so I can spend more time in there so he's not 'disturbed' but really hiding til March.

He's been a lot better when eventually I explained to him why I was so angry about being left in the dark while eating, bought me steak and the 'crunch crunch' thing has become a running joke...

Long way to go though. I think basically upping sticks to mostly live in the room next door and referring it as my and his room and joking about putting a bed in there have shocked him into behaving a lot better. Still doesn't mostly lift a finger though...

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